i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
