I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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