If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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