I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
