THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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