Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
