2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
