I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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