I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
