Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
