I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
