So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
