i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
