Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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