So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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