bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
