I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
