I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
