Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Is Oprah even human
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
