I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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