There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
