I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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