Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh god it's open bar.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
