I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so let's talk penis.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
