Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
