You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
