life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
