At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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