I wanna bring you to show and tell
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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