I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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