Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
