alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
