I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
