the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
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