Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
