I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
