Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There's always time for handjobs
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
