Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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