I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
