i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm always down for nudity.
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