He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
farters have to be the big spoon...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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