I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
