and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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