my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Holy shit dude........stairs
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