The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
