My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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