i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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