Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
