so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
birth control should be required to get into college
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
