put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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