I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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