Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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