there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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