someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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