I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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