Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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