Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
